


It's Not Living (If It's Not With You)

by itsapurefeeling



Category: The Vampire Diaries & Related Fandoms, The Vampire Diaries (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Falling In Love, Growing Up, Hurt Bonnie Bennett, Hurt/Comfort, Kai is sad, Romance, Sad Ending, Therapy, Toxic Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-11
Updated: 2020-02-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:13:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22670800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsapurefeeling/pseuds/itsapurefeeling
Summary: She broke up with himSo why does if feel like he's the one saying goodbye?
Relationships: Bonnie Bennett/Malachai "Kai" Parker
Comments: 1
Kudos: 31





	It's Not Living (If It's Not With You)

**Author's Note:**

> Short little drabble I've been working on since November. Took way longer than expected but hey, that's how life goes sometimes. Depression is mentioned heavily in this, so be warned and please look after your own mental health<3\. Also toxic relationships is the main focus here so please watch out for that as well. -Hx

It's been four weeks.

Or maybe longer, not that he has been counting the days since she left.

Maybe it's the way his heart aches constantly that reminds him that it's truly over. The way bile seems to rise when someone mentions her name.

How just the thought of her brings tears to his eyes.

But he's getting better.

More in control as Green calls it.

But in all honesty he's just getting use to the reality that she is no longer his world, and the thought alone is devastating.

•••

She's never felt she was enough.

Constantly doubting their relationship, hurting herself with words that he never understood. Crying late at night with him beside her, her warmth close enough for him to feel but far enough he couldn't reach out to hold her.

Sitting in front of her now he can't fathom how she could ever be less than perfect. How she could ever doubt how strongly he feels for her.

Dark circles hang around her eyes tauntingly, red rimmed and swollen giving away what she did the night before.

His heart aches.

"How's it going with Green?" Bonnie questions her voice cracking pathetically.

He shrugs.

"Anything important?"

"He tells me what I already know" Kai says bitterly.

Her eyes widen "like what?"

"That I'm to emotionally invested in your well-being, like a moth to a flame. That I should move on and let you live your life, that if I love you enough I should let you go"

Her face falls "it's been a month"

"I know that Bonnie. You don't think I know that?"

Bonnie sighs hands flattening over the table "I jut want you to be happy and healthy Kai"

"I just want you. Anyway I can have you."

"I think you should see your therapist more often"

A small laugh escapes him. "Green doesn't understand how I feel. There's no way he could, perfect life perfect wife"

"Kai.. how do you feel?"

"Honestly?"

"Honestly" she mutters.

"I miss you. Which is silly because your right here, breathing the same air as me but it's like your miles away. I feel like I can't breathe, or function but I'm trying. I'm trying to live my life without you but it's hard" he admits.

When she doesn't speak he sighs "I shouldn't have called you I know, you look so tired but I'm selfish.. so selfish when it comes to you and I couldn't help it".

"I never wanted this" she states surprising him, "I never imagined you not by my side Malachai, but there's just so many things that don't work between us. I can't keep living with this hole inside me anymore"

"I tried everything Bonnie. You know better than anyone I would and will do absolutely anything for you".

Her eyes soften, those emerald orbs lighter than he's ever seen them shining with something he can't decipher.

"I just need you to tell me if this is it. Because if it is I won't bother you anymore. When my hands itch to hold you I won't call or text, I will leave you alone if that's what you want. I'll disappear Bonster".

Eyeing her he can see her walls suddenly tumbling down, flimsy things that barely stand even when she's truly mad at him.

Fresh tears coat her eyes when she looks up, "I can't keep doing this Kai. I care about you, I always will.. but we can't do this".

"This. You mean us"

Nodding she grabs her purse before abruptly standing, her hands trembling as she faces him.

"I hope you can move on, see Green more often especially when your feeling lonely okay? Take care if not for me for yourself."

When she leaves he follows behind her, taking a left when she takes a right.

Tears burn his eyes when he's down the street moving further and further away from her.

How could he not of told her.

Never in a million years could he see himself without her either.

••••

"How are you today?" Green questions softly, his notepad hanging loosely off his lap as he scoots his chair closer.

"I don't know" Kai answers honestly, his head a mess and aching rather terribly.

"Get any sleep last night?"

"Had to much on my mind" he admits.

Green leans back in his chair "Did you follow our plan at least?"

He can only shake his head.

"That's okay Kai. Sometimes some wounds take longer to heal, and all we crave is something or someone to make it better, even if we know that person won't be around much longer we hold on to the normalcy as long as we can"

"What if you can't get better. What if you are stuck in a never ending loop constantly imagining what it would be like if they loved you back, if they treated you the way they should?".

Green smiles sadly at him.

"There's no cure for a broken heart Kai. Time heals pain simple as that. The idea of truly letting go of the other person is terrifying in itself, you guys were together six years there's no easy remedy for that".

Kai leans back in the plastic chair, arms wrapped around himself protectively. Greens words ring deep in his ears, burning him from the inside out.

"You just have to give it time" Green continues, "There's three steps of overcoming emotional pain, You start with the hurting which tears you apart and sneaks up on you during your daily life. It's the step that makes it hard to sleep or eat, forces you to feel everything even if you don't want too. Then there's the healing; you still have moments when you long for her, sudden pictures or objects remind you of the past but your not crying everyday wondering where it all went wrong. Then there's the moving on; when you finally realize that you are free."

Scribbling something down Green closes his notebook nosily, pushing it onto his desk without a second look.

"I'm saying this as a friend Kai okay?"

The younger man nods.

"Don't hang onto the past longer than you have too, I understand you want to reach out to Bonnie and speak to her but it's best if you don't. Don't keep in contact with her if it's not going to benefit you positively in the foreseeable future. You are way to young; way to smart to be so beaten down kid, please for your own sake get some rest. My phone is always on if you want to talk, call me whenever".

With shaky hands Kai grips onto the older mans back; pulling Green into a tight hug.

"It's going to get better kid I promise you" Green mutters gently.

Kai can only hope his words are true.

***

"Where does the love go when it runs out?"

He can't help but stare at her dumbly when the words tumble out of her mouth.

She called him an hour ago; the petite girl inviting him over to "talk" yet all they have done is drink way to much and stare silently at one another.

"What are you implying?" He questions softly; his heart pounding restlessly.

"I don't think I love you anymore"

"You don't love me anymore?

His voice cracks.

She cups her chin thoughtfully, her own eyes betraying her words.

"I don't know how I feel".

"You don't know how you feel" he repeats slowly testing her words, a bitter feeling settling in the pit of his stomach.

She stares at him sadly.

"I loved you".

"Loved as in past tense?" he questions, his eyes never leaving her own.

Bonnie nods quickly grabbing hold of his jacket sleeve, holding him there.

"I loved you Kai. Doesn't mean I stopped caring for you".

He yanks him arm gently but her grip only tightens, her nails dig into his wrist harshly.

"I'm not some fucking puppet" he snaps harshly, forcibly removing his arm out of her hold "don't treat me like i'm insignificant to you".

Her eyes regard him cautiously almost as if he was a tiny flower in the palm of her hand.

His chest heaves up and down anger sizzling underneath his skin, an unconformable pressure burning behind his eyes as he stares at his ex lover.

"If you don't love me then leave me alone" he says carefully, "If you are done with me then forget me. Stop making this hard Bon, please".

"You think this is easy?" she croaks out her own eyes brimming with tears now; just the sight alone has his heart clenching.

"It's easy for you to say you don't love me, that you don't need me; What am I suppose to think?"

"I don't want to be the bad guy Malachai, especially not to you. I never wanted you to see me as someone you couldn't trust or rely on; because all I see when I look at you is a provider and a caretaker someone so sweet that doesn't deserve a bad thing in this world.. but with all that I can't pretend that I love you. That would be unfair".

Kai can only swallow behind the lump in this throat.

"Don't call me again"

Standing up he sways a little.

He can see her reaching out again, small hands trying to find purchase in his coat but missing when he pulls away altogether.

Stumbling through her doorway he slams it closed behind him, greedily breathing in the fresh night air.

With one last glance at her apartment he starts off towards his own home.

Promising himself; he will truly leave her alone.

***

"So you went over to her house I presume?" Green questions calmly, his clipboard lays beside him closed, untouched since the beginning of their session. Sitting crossed leg Green watches him expectantly, his gentle as they burn a hole in Kai's face.

"She called me and said she wanted to talk; It did more damage then good.. I shouldn't have went but-"

"But you thought it would help" Green interrupts, "The main thing we are working on here Kai is individuality; breaking the bond that keeps making you believe that you are BonnieandKai, forcing the fact that you my dear friend are just Kai".

The younger man nods.

"No one said it's would be easy" Green says reassuringly.

"No one said it would be this hard".

Green pats his leg, "If it wasn't difficult then it wouldn't matter. If it didn't hurt then it wouldn't mean anything at all".

The younger man can only nod his head in agreement.

"Don't make things harder for yourself" Green repeats gently, "Work on getting better, becoming independent and doing things that are good for you. Progress; baby steps learning to live your life the way you use to. Then we can run alright?"

He nods once more.

"I hate to sound like a broken record here but it's going to take time. Sometimes time is all we have".

"She said she doesn't love me" Kai admits softly, picking at his t shirt absentmindedly; "if I knew she loved me maybe this would be easier".

Green shakes his head; "loving someone is something special Kai. Some people go their whole lives without finding love. But some people aren't so lucky, they fall in so deep they lose track of themselves, and when the love is gone they lose who they were completely"

"So your saying I'm unlucky because I found love?"

"Precisely. Love chips away at you until there is nothing left to give, you have given all you got but in the end you leave empty handed. There are no winners, and there are no losers".

Kai rubs his neck nervously; "but love made everything go away. All the bad shit, the stuff I thought I was over, Bonnie made that go away"

He's never seen Green look so distraught; his own eyes swimming with something Kai can't quite put a finger on. 

"I'm saying this as a friend, someone you can trust. Not as your therapist and definitely not as a professional okay?" 

Kai nods.

"The most common emotion we feel for someone is lust, it's lust that makes us crave them physically and emotionally. If there is an emotional wound, we try to use the other person as a band aid, something that will make the hurting go away. We don't realize that it's doing more damage than good, we are slowly hurting the other person and we aren't even realizing it. I see you, a young man who is smart and courageous and so very caring. I see myself in you Malachai, that's why i'm hoping you will seriously take a step back from everything and start working on bettering yourself. Don't stay in a place where you aren't wanted".

"How do I even start? What can I do to change things?"

Patting his shoulder Green smiles softly "Leave her alone and move on". 

****

"Don't call me anymore".

Greens words dance in his head, clouding his mind until its all he can think about.

"You don't want me to call anymore?" Bonnie questions her own tone standoffish, he can picture her biting her lip absentmindedly.

He sighs.

"You don't love me. You don't need anything from me Bonnie, so why call in the first place? Why continue to punish me?"

"I'm not trying to punish you Kai-"

"But you are" he interrupts, "You are. Every time you pick up your phone and dial my number your hurting me, anytime I hear your voice or see your face your hurting me. Why can't you leave me alone?"

She's silent.

"Well?" 

"I don't know how to leave you alone" she admits.

He clutches the phone tighter in his hand.

"I can't keep doing this. I'm trying to get better Bon, Green is helping me get better. I can't keep letting you drag me down when i'm making progress. Please stop calling me, just leave me alone and i'll do the same".

"Wait-"

But he's already hung up.

****

The sky has always interested him.

The pinks and the blue mingling together to make a purple sky.

His sister use to lay outside with him for hours, watching the day turn to night then hours later lay out even longer and watch the night turn to day all over again.

He misses his family. 

His sister Josephine one of the only reasons he considered going back, his father and mother a non factor. 

Sitting outside beneath their tree he can't help but think he's ruined Bonnie just a little. Ripped away her innocence just a tab bit, drug her through the dirt until she looked like him.

Scruff and torn in the all wrong places.

But how could he treat someone the way his father treated him?

Not once did he raise hand towards her; not once did he call her a name.

Not once in their relationship did he ever see it coming down to this. How could she fall out of love with him after everything they have been through?

After he's let her see the cuts and the bruises, the ugly parts he's kept hidden since his preteen years. She's seen it all.. and still chose to stay.

How he possibly let go?

****

"It's been two months since our last meeting. I was surprised you showed up today" Green comments gently, eyes wide as Kai slides onto the couch nervously, bottom lip chewed to shreds.

"I needed time. Everything felt like it was falling apart right in-front of me, crumbling to pieces and I couldn't stop it. I needed time to take control of myself, to come to terms with my new reality" Kai mutters. 

Green doesn't comment.

"I'm doing better by the way. I haven't reached out to her since our last meeting; I reached for the phone more time than I can count but I never dialed. Instead I went driving around, started going to the gym and trying to get my life back together".

Green smiles at this "Progress is always taking a step forward; by the sound of it you've taken multiple, I'm immensely proud of you Kai".

He can feel tears building up in his eyes; trying to cascade down his cheeks. With a shuttering breath he loosens up, leaning back into the comfort of the leather couch he's come to know all to well. 

"Is it okay to still miss her? To still search for her in everyone?"

Green sits down next to him, a warm arm wrapping around his shoulder comfortingly. 

"It's okay to feel things. It's okay to miss someone you shared six years with, and I say that because they become a consistent thing in your life. When that routine is broken after so long, it's like starting fresh, new.. not really knowing where to go from where you started. But you have proven to me, over and over again how strong you are. How you have the will power to move on even when every single cell in your body is telling you not too".

Green sighs deeply "You have shown me that you have what it takes to become a better person Kai, that's why I will and continue to be so proud of you".

This time around he lets the tears fall freely.

His walls crumbling for the first time in years.

****

He hasn't seen her in years.

Two to be exact. 

She looks the same yet different, maybe it's the way she carries herself as she walks with her friend completely unaware of him. 

Her hair reaches her back; blonde at the bottom highlighting her olive skin beautifully. 

He watches as she laughs, short and loud her head thrown back as it over takes her; Happiness has always looked good on her.

When their eyes meet he doesn't flinch away, nor does he feel the electricity he once felt years ago; the butterflies don't swarm in his stomach chaotically like they use too. It's just her, and him time not freezing as it use to.

Instead he simply waves and walks away.

His own happiness on his mind.


End file.
